I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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