careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
