Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
