the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
