When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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