some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
