I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
