census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
