it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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