who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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