My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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