I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
