Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
