someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
