I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
