I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
