we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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