if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
