She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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