I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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