So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
