We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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