So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
