He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
