Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
