awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
