I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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