Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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