my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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