So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize