i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
