I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
