The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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