my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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