I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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