FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize