Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
