I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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