Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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