I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
