dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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