if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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