My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Im part way to drunk.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
