I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
