I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
