Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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