im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
