he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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