Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
