Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
