I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
