i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
