Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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