You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
