the condom got lost in my hair
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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