yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
