Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
